My relationship with God and how it has evolved over the years
When we are young things are easy to do. Not because they do not require any efforts but because we do not make most of the decisions. It is easier to train a mischievous kid into a better person than to train an irresponsible adult. When we are told when to get up, what to eat, when to go to school and come back, what to study, when to sleep; when most of the work in our schedule is fixed by someone else, it takes the stress of planning to do it all by ourselves. Even though we do not realise how comparatively easier life is when we are young, we eventually acknowledge this as we grow up and shoulder responsibilities.
Readers, if you have the time to scroll down the list of my blog posts on Medium to the first one, you will find that my approach to the idea of religion was negative. I believed that everything around us was being done wrongly and the whole social construct was baseless. Not that I have come to my senses now, I am still on the path of learning and unfolding the knowledge which is essential to lead a balanced life. I think it was my young blood and the raging hormones that did not allow me to see clearly the truth. The truth that equally spreads itself in the service of everyone in the society.
If I had to a draw a timeline of my relationship with God it would seem something like this. As a kid I would question a lot as I do even now about everything. I would ask about the importance of the rituals, their purpose and how they help us in our lives. In fact when I had memorized the Hanuman Chalisa, I had to know why it was important to learn it. I was convinced by my mother that whenever I felt troubled or the ghosts came to hound me, if I chanted the Hanuman Mantra He will protect me from the evil. Even though it felt too stretched and too good to be real, I had convinced myself that for my own peace of mind and to divert the negative thoughts, this mantra is a way to achieve sanity when it is required the most. Hence, after all these deliberations I had decided to recite it everyday and eventually had memorized it. So my relationship with God was a friendly one when I was a kid because I believed Him to be a protector from all the evils that might come to get me. But as I grew up a lot changed.
Readers, with loss comes grief and grief takes away a lot of our beliefs that we might have held too tightly. When those beliefs are lost it creates a void. During late teens and with the involvement of social media in my life, I was drawn to the extreme ends of views about Nationalism and Religion. I still remember how people would shirk away from associating themselves to religion and would discard it as a suppressing social construct that was built and is being sustained only to please the affluent. When you are still in the process of finding yourself and your mind is filled with such extreme views, it is natural to deviate from finding our true self. So eventually I started to believe that religion had no purpose and we are blinded by the absurdity it brings with itself. I thought I was becoming an atheist because like before I could not relate myself to God in a positive way. The one who was a friend to me before and protected me from the evil thoughts soon became the negative energy that I thought was controlling too much and taking away unnecessary space in my life. Hence, I disassociated myself from Him. Him refers to God here and please do not bring the gender issue right now because I have always referred and visualized God as a He and it is a personal choice that everyone has for themselves. But sooner the pandemic happened and I discovered a new perspective about Him that I had not felt like ever before.
Readers, when the world is gloomy and we are hopeless, we seldom have the courage to see the light even if it is there right in front of us. During the lock down I had too much time to myself. Time where I could think about knowing myself as a person, as to who I am and who I wish to become. Many times I questioned myself, if the whole social construct is baseless then why are people blindly following it? As a species if we claim to be the most intelligent, then surely it cannot just be capitalism controlling our minds and thoughts because we are better than that. Ideas and thoughts can only influence us to a limited extent. Unless it touches our soul deeply, we collectively will not give in to something to rule over us, to control us. During my grand mother’s funeral I had questioned my father what was the need to do all these rituals? Are they superficial social constructs that govern us without any basis? What he replied to me was something that has changed my entire perspective and outlook towards many things in life from thereon.
It is a Hindu tradition that when a family member passes away, we perform many rituals to help their soul attain peace and cross peacefully to the other side. Amongst many there is a ritual of donating clothes and money to those who conduct the rituals. Earlier I would have accepted this as a regressive social order since my mind was filled with extreme views about most issues in life. But there is a reason why we follow these orders. In ancient and medieval society, not many had the financial strength to look after themselves. They had to depend on people who would find them some work that would employ them where they can use their skills to earn for themselves. Amongst other occasions, funeral was one that allowed people to showcase their skills and earn. The mundan helped a barber earn. The discarding of clothes helped a dhobi use the clothes who would otherwise might not have had two pairs of clothing to himself. The feast allowed the cooks to prepare meals while giving them a chance to use their skills and earn for themselves. The conduct of prayers helped those who were well versed in Sanskrit to use their knowledge and achieve some sort of financial independence. If these rituals did not exist, then all those who were employed during the course of the mourning would have gone home with an empty stomach and might have perished due to lack of works.
Readers, while there are many things to discuss where we could have brought positive changes in the rural society of the ancient and medieval times, such as advocating for women’s rights to financial and personal freedom, let us not confuse ourselves and disregard the things that were in place to do some right. During the course of the two years of pandemic a huge realization has hit me. When you are away from your friends, when you cannot even go near your family even while living under the same roof, there is an emotional void. And this emotional void might hit us at any time in our lives because life is genuinely unpredictable. Should we then stop living due to this uncertainty? No. But then how do we even live with this uncertainty? Through prayers.
I do not know what people should or should not do because it is a personal choice. As long as it is not harmful to them or others, it is their right to choose how to live. But if I have to speak for myself, I have found comfort in prayers. I am not a religious or a spiritual person even though I am fascinated by those ideas but I am believer of Karma. There is a higher power that is unimaginably powerful than all of us combined. And when this energy is channeled and utilized to our advantage, we can fill our voids and achieve sanity when we require it the most. My fondest memories of childhood among many others is remembering my grandfather during the evening puja. He was a very learned person who was an expertise in economics but nevertheless was extremely spiritual. With utmost sincerity and dedication, he would hold the diya and offer it to the Gods he believed in. A sense of calm surrounded the home during those times and everyone would come together. When I get to offer the evening Aarti these days, as I move the diya across and offer my prayers, a little bit of the same calmness fills the void that was left. I think prayers bring me closer to the ones who have left and help to assure me that they are still somewhere close to home.
God is not an entity to me now. I am obviously mature enough to distinguish between what is real and what is not. But I do believe there are forces beyond my control and the only permanence in our lives is our beliefs and the memories we create. While I depend on the people in my lives for the experiences, I believe in the powerful forces of nature that He controls and allow myself to believe in Him. But Readers be careful with your beliefs, religious or otherwise. We have to be vigilant and take care of our beliefs for ourselves. Only we can decide the extent to which we are willing to allow these unknown forces to have an effect in our lives. Because often times even with the best of intentions we wind up in the messiest of things. There are too many wolves out there waiting to prey on our vulnerabilities and unless we acknowledge it and hold ourselves accountable to our actions, we will not be able to protect ourselves. We are not kids anymore and except for our eligibility to vote, I do not think there are many perks of adulthood. So Readers, try to know who you are and who you wish to be unless someone else decides that for you.
Until next time, Readers ❤
